Towards truth, people, and wonder

Meaning’s an odd thing. As a kid, I knew I wanted to do something significant in the world, but couldn’t tell exactly what that was yet, so I decided to just work upwind. Work on interesting projects and learn to code and think and speak, so hopefully when I find the answer, I’ll be ready. That was enough to wake up excited every morning.

But nihilism remained to me an open question. Science says it’s all atoms and the void. Meditation says it’s all just a cloud of fleeting sensations, and status ladders are a mirage. So logically should we just sit still and soak in every waking conscious moment while life lasts? To that, I had no immediate rebuttal, and the uncertainty of what to work on gnawed at my motivation. What if that really were true? What if my learning and striving really were just an endless game?¹

It’s been a year or so and much has happened. I think I now have an answer, at least enough to keep doubt at bay and fuel the flame of enthusiasm into an inferno that won’t go out.

I.

We probably don’t know enough.

It seems that as a species, we don’t have enough information for the question of “meaning” to bear any substance. Just as frogs can’t comprehend our “bigger picture,” we probably aren’t knowledgable enough to ask the right questions. Fortunately, progress is possible. Our early ancestors presumably spent their days recoiling between hunting, eating, and other primitive drives for survival. But over time, we met our basic needs and since created unimaginable technological blossoming, to a point where I can now write down my thoughts by clicking some plastic and have it read from across the country. Knowledge is then the ultimate currency. Let’s further collective wisdom.

II.

Even if more discoveries don’t yield greater insight, or that this really is “it” (which I really doubt is true), based on what we do know, there’s still much to do.

Nihilists might win an argument, and they can convince themselves nothing matters, but at the end of the day we’ll all still be left yearning for something more. Who can sit in a dark room all day, when we have friends and the immediate capacity to bring them joy? It’s human condition to fight for something. Those who reject that will just have to learn to stare down the abyss without flinching.

But what exactly is that something?

For me, I find two core feelings to fight for.

First, people.

We’re all deeply deeply wired to care for our fellow human beings. If a friend fell ill tomorrow with a mysterious disease and I could help, there’s no way I’d be loafing around thinking what’s the point of life. In the directed graph of items that give meaning to each other, everything seems to (at least secularly) terminate with people. The warmth of seeing someone smile is the ultimate motivator.

And our empathy meters aren’t calibrated to the modern world. If it would matter on the small scale, with friends, family and strangers at the market, my intrinsic preference for compassion and fairness says it should on the large scale too.

Soares’s writing is very resonant, and he’s thought through a lot of the edge cases. He acknowledges we sometimes get irritated by others thinking they are mean or evil or greedy. But it’s also a shame we did not meet in better contexts. And since people are evolutionarily biased to assume negative intent from others, we can choose to follow our egalitarian values.

Empathy is a fundamental value, and preferring compassion over tribal values, I choose to internalize the care for people everywhere, even if my hypothalmus can’t register it.

Second, wonder.

This one I don’t see discussed as much, but it’s a very visceral feeling. It’s also a practical tool to ground motivation and takes far less thought than scaling empathy. Just step back for five seconds…

..and I’m left in awe of reality. Wow! I get to experience colors and temperature and good food and music and being loved and in love and helping others and- Wow cells really exist. Tiny little creatures I can see with a lens. One turns into two into four into our freaking brains. Atoms are real? I’m actually creating words by clicking some plastic on a keyboard into a bunch of 0s and 1s orchestrated to activate LEDs in the screen in front of my eyes which send electrical signals to my brain and turn into thoughts! I’m a Sapien in the 2000s, experiencing it from first person. It’s all so surreal.

You’re telling me it’s malleable? I can change things? I can poke this part of the world and something comes out the other side? I can rearrange atoms! I can write a piece of code that’ll keep going on its own! I can discover new fundamental facts about the wonder I live in!

III.

Ha. So nihilism is what’s actually meaningless. The universe may succumb to heat death one day, but we will still care for one another in this moment. Existence is precious. It’s (as far as we know now) all about the experiences we create. It’s addictive to make other people happy, and the most exciting project of all is to learn deeper truths about this place.

**

This was a nice little personal project. I’m finally back to learning and building with a new burning optimism, and it feels amazing. Finally, I can completely shelve philosophy. Or as Laura Deming said, focus on something practical to work on; plenty of time to have your existential crisis in your 50s.

Footnotes

1. Turns out I took it the wrong way. Equanimity and full awareness of experience are entirely compatible with striving to achieve something in the outside world. We can be working the hardest we ever have and still be present in that experience. Mindfulness simply helps you steer with reason and control impulses, spread joy, and make the most of our time here. ↩